Thursday, June 19, 2014

my 7 effective disciplining tips... on Renzo..

I am sure I've mentioned many times on this blog, about how disciplining Renzo gets easier and easier as he grows up. How can you provide discipline to your kids so that they can function well at home and in public? Nowadays most parents value good manners with higher priority over good school results, and I've never met any parent who wants to be accused of raising a spoiled brat. But sometimes it seems that these goals are miles away from their kids' current behavior.

So, What Is Discipline?
Discipline is the process of teaching your child what type of behavior is acceptable and what type is not acceptable. In other words, discipline teaches a child to follow rules. Discipline may involve both punishment, such as a time out, and, more importantly, rewards. It sounds so straightforward, yet every parent becomes frustrated at one time or another with issues surrounding children and discipline.

Is Renzo well disciplined? 

Well I would say not too bad, really, not too bad... although still far from Daddy's expectation for sure. But as his mummy, I definitely feel proud of my 5 years old, for the fact that I've never blown up and lost my temper while disciplining him at all, at least not since he could briefly express himself about 2 years ago. And I've never used time out, or gave in to his unreasonable requests easily. Therefore, I am sure some of my disciplining tips are definitely effective on him. 

Why am I so certain? Back in 2011, while I was sharing a post on our different parenting styles, I mentioned that "Mummy Chan thinks that's an appropriate age (3 years old) for Renzo to understand the connection between actions and consequences and he might pick up good behaviors automatically." I was absolutely right because I do not even have the need to discipline Renzo now. It took years to see result but it's all worth it. So, my tips??

First of all, have a good read here about the four major parenting styles, and ask yourself, what kind of kids do you want to cultivate, and what kind of style do you want to follow as a parent?

My answer is clear, just like the majority, I am sure we dream to be the "Authoritative Parenting" type so we could develop a happy, capable and successful child.

But the question is, HOW??!! 

Here comes my tips:
1. Get it right from the beginning, and be consistent
Parenting is unique, parenting is tough, we all know that. Many people doubted about my parenting style, including myself at times, in the past. I won't say I am 100% successful as Renzo is merely 5 years old now. But since you know "Authoritative Parenting" is the preferred style, try it from the beginning. As I've seen some unsuccessful examples of parents switching from "Authoritarian Parenting" to "Authoritative Parenting" at a later stage, there's improvement in their child's behavior for sure, but the result is not consistent. But come to think of it, it's probably because the parents are not being consistent with their parenting style and keep changing it in the first place.  

2. They are who you are, they are your mirror
If your kids like to shout and scream, ask yourself, do you shout and scream at home often (maybe not to your kids but to others in the family, well a lot of times, your spouse!)? If your kids have short temper and throw tantrums easily, ask yourself, do you handle them with  absolute patience each time? If your kids need iphone/ipad before they could sit still to finish a meal, ask yourself, do you spend your spare time watching TV or playing games in front of them? I can confidently say that Renzo will not grow up as a rowdy kid because that's just not who we are as his parents. So before disciplining your kids on certain behavior, check if you are well disciplined in that same area first. 

3. Example is better than precept
言传不如身教, it's that simple! Stop dwelling on the fact that your kid keeps spilling milk all over the floor despite your scolding and spanking after each episode. 1st time experiencing it, clean it up in front of your kid, pour another cup of milk and hold it firmly with 2 hands while passing it to your kid; 2nd time experiencing it, repeat the same; 3rd time experiencing it, repeat the same again; Sooner or later, they will learn the technique of how to hold the cup properly, and when accident happens, you will be surprised to find out who's cleaning up the mess this time. 

4. Reward good behavior
Be generous with your praises!! I don't think it's so easy to spoil your kids just by telling them they've done a great job, or reward them with a pound of chocolate for some extraordinarily good deed.
5. Be a good listener, a safe harbor
Establish a healthy attachment with your kids, by listening to their needs and providing them with solutions so they could trust you for your best judgement. I experienced the period that Renzo cries for everything he wants which we refuse to provide, but each time we leads him to think of solutions to his problems, which sometimes he doesn't have, but we as parents, are always there to assure him that we will try to help him in finding that, although there's not always a solution to every problem. 

6. Books, books, books 
书中自有黄金屋! A year ago, we introduced 弟子规 to Renzo and I noticed a behavioral change in him which I've shared here. And I've recently bought him a new set of Chinese books all about disciplines. These books are his best teachers! It's almost effortless to teach him about discipline now as he understands what's right or wrong, and even makes efforts to correct his own brother and cousins for their inappropriate behaviors.

7. Right choice of words
Nope I've never used word like "stupid", not even "silly" in front of my kids. Well of course they will get to learn from others, especially from friends in school. But I assure you any conducive environment for kids' healthy growth, should not revolve around such words. So if you wonder how do I stop Renzo from raising up his voice, which he does all the time when he gets over excited, nope I definitely do not say things like, "shut up!", "be quiet!", "shhhhh...", etc. Instead, I tell him this way, "Renzo, lower down your volume to 1 please as didi is sleeping now, you know your average volume cannot exceed 3 at home, but now you are at the maximum volume of 5!". It's very easy for him to relate to, as he knows the volume from TV can be adjusted, so does his.


In general, after my nearly 2 years of experiment in disciplining Renzo, I've learned from him that when I am happier, he is happier. So, stay cool and always assume positive intent parents! When we see kids as people longing to get along and learn then we have changed the game. Kids pick up bad behavior quick because they are so intuitive, so for every mischievous act from your kids, take it as an opportunity for them to learn, and enjoy as it's just part and parcel of their growing up.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Happy father's day!

For those of you who read, and loved my previous post about Renzo's wonderful dad, did I mention, I've saved the best for last?!!

So yes, it's father's day today and on behalf of the boys, I'm wishing my hubby a happy father's day with a sharing of the top 3 amazing things he's done for our kids, yes, the TOP THREE things in my eyes that are absolutely noteworthy:

TOP #3. Daddy the "beautician"
Did I ever mention on Renzo's blog that Daddy is the one who cuts his finger nails each time?! How many times did mummy cut his nails then? TWO TIMES SINCE BIRTH! Yes Daddy took over that duty since Renzo was just a few weeks old, because I snipped off a small piece of  his fingertip during my 2nd nail cutting session for Renzo! I had developed a phobia since then and thinking about the need to cut Renzo's finger nails, is torturing enough to me. Luckily hubby came to rescue, you wouldn't believe dad can do a better job than mom in terms of providing grooming service to kids, apparently that is the case in our house!

TOP #2. Daddy the Parent Volunteer

All parents understand how our primary school registration process can drive us nuts easily. So since Renzo was 3, we have applied to be Parent Volunteers and Daddy had no hesitation at all when I asked whether he will be able to get involved. In fact when I first received the call from school to inquire about my availability for a 9 hours outdoor excursion on Sunday, the first reaction from my husband was, "can I go together with you?" And the experience as Parent Volunteers was beyond words! We had great fun with the kids and got to know a bit more about the school's culture. The teachers there were surprised by how vigorous Daddy is seeing him climbing up and down nonstop with the school kids. Other parents were even more surprised to have met Daddy, because it seems that Daddy volunteers are a rare breed there.

(**drum rolling**)
TOP #1. Daddy the "bedtime battle winner"

If you're like most parents, you're all too familiar with this scenario: you put your child to bed at 8.30pm, hugging and kissing him/her good night and sweet dreams. It's been a long day, but still you've got work to catch up with, and you haven't had a spare moment to put your feet up. But instead of spending the rest of the evening catching up on your chores and spending some precious time winding down for the night, you're in and out of the kid's room, cajoling your child to sleep. Your child finally nods off – about two hours after he/she first went to bed.

Familiar?!! Our lights off time at home is 9:30pm but most of the time, I need to hug Rynus with my left arm and face Renzo on my right for at least 15 to 30 minutes before they fall into deep sleep. Renzo can be quite a handful at times, as he has tons of questions to ask and lots of things to share about his daytime school life. And usually he insists to sleep besides mummy so putting both kids down to bed is my daily night job while Daddy stays in the study room after our "lights off"time. But on those days I have my work commitment at night, or once a while when I'm too tired and need to have some ME time in a separate room alone, Daddy will happily take over the duty and indeed Rynus usually sleeps faster when he's being handled by Daddy. I am sure many would agree with me that for a dad to be able to put kids down to bed on his own, is 200% an achievement!

So, to the most wonderful dad, happy father's day!!
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