my 7 effective disciplining tips... on Renzo..

I am sure I've mentioned many times on this blog, about how disciplining Renzo gets easier and easier as he grows up. How can you provide discipline to your kids so that they can function well at home and in public? Nowadays most parents value good manners with higher priority over good school results, and I've never met any parent who wants to be accused of raising a spoiled brat. But sometimes it seems that these goals are miles away from their kids' current behavior.

So, What Is Discipline?

Discipline is the process of teaching your child what type of behavior is acceptable and what type is not acceptable. In other words, discipline teaches a child to follow rules. Discipline may involve both punishment, such as a time out, and, more importantly, rewards. It sounds so straightforward, yet every parent becomes frustrated at one time or another with issues surrounding children and discipline.

Is Renzo well disciplined? 

Well I would say not too bad, really, not too bad... although still far from Daddy's expectation for sure. But as his mummy, I definitely feel proud of my 5 years old, for the fact that I've never blown up and lost my temper while disciplining him at all, at least not since he could briefly express himself about 2 years ago. And I've never used time out, or gave in to his unreasonable requests easily. Therefore, I am sure some of my disciplining tips are definitely effective on him. 

Why am I so certain? Back in 2011, while I was sharing a post on our different parenting styles, I mentioned that "Mummy Chan thinks that's an appropriate age (3 years old) for Renzo to understand the connection between actions and consequences and he might pick up good behaviors automatically." I was absolutely right because I do not even have the need to discipline Renzo now. It took years to see result but it's all worth it. So, my tips??

First of all, have a good read here about the four major parenting styles, and ask yourself, what kind of kids do you want to cultivate, and what kind of style do you want to follow as a parent?

My answer is clear, just like the majority, I am sure we dream to be the "Authoritative Parenting" type so we could develop a happy, capable and successful child.

But the question is, HOW??!! 

Here comes my tips:

1. Get it right from the beginning, and be consistent

Parenting is unique, parenting is tough, we all know that. Many people doubted about my parenting style, including myself at times, in the past. I won't say I am 100% successful as Renzo is merely 5 years old now. But since you know "Authoritative Parenting" is the preferred style, try it from the beginning. As I've seen some unsuccessful examples of parents switching from "Authoritarian Parenting" to "Authoritative Parenting" at a later stage, there's improvement in their child's behavior for sure, but the result is not consistent. But come to think of it, it's probably because the parents are not being consistent with their parenting style and keep changing it in the first place.  

2. They are who you are, they are your mirror

If your kids like to shout and scream, ask yourself, do you shout and scream at home often (maybe not to your kids but to others in the family, well a lot of times, your spouse!)? If your kids have short temper and throw tantrums easily, ask yourself, do you handle them with  absolute patience each time? If your kids need iphone/ipad before they could sit still to finish a meal, ask yourself, do you spend your spare time watching TV or playing games in front of them? I can confidently say that Renzo will not grow up as a rowdy kid because that's just not who we are as his parents. So before disciplining your kids on certain behavior, check if you are well disciplined in that same area first. 

3. Example is better than precept

言传不如身教, it's that simple! Stop dwelling on the fact that your kid keeps spilling milk all over the floor despite your scolding and spanking after each episode. 1st time experiencing it, clean it up in front of your kid, pour another cup of milk and hold it firmly with 2 hands while passing it to your kid; 2nd time experiencing it, repeat the same; 3rd time experiencing it, repeat the same again; Sooner or later, they will learn the technique of how to hold the cup properly, and when accident happens, you will be surprised to find out who's cleaning up the mess this time. 

4. Reward good behavior

Be generous with your praises!! I don't think it's so easy to spoil your kids just by telling them they've done a great job, or reward them with a pound of chocolate for some extraordinarily good deed.

5. Be a good listener, a safe harbor

Establish a healthy attachment with your kids, by listening to their needs and providing them with solutions so they could trust you for your best judgement. I experienced the period that Renzo cries for everything he wants which we refuse to provide, but each time we leads him to think of solutions to his problems, which sometimes he doesn't have, but we as parents, are always there to assure him that we will try to help him in finding that, although there's not always a solution to every problem. 

6. Books, books, books 

书中自有黄金屋! A year ago, we introduced 弟子规 to Renzo and I noticed a behavioral change in him which I've shared here. And I've recently bought him a new set of Chinese books all about disciplines. These books are his best teachers! It's almost effortless to teach him about discipline now as he understands what's right or wrong, and even makes efforts to correct his own brother and cousins for their inappropriate behaviors.

7. Right choice of words
Nope I've never used word like "stupid", not even "silly" in front of my kids. Well of course they will get to learn from others, especially from friends in school. But I assure you any conducive environment for kids' healthy growth, should not revolve around such words. So if you wonder how do I stop Renzo from raising up his voice, which he does all the time when he gets over excited, nope I definitely do not say things like, "shut up!", "be quiet!", "shhhhh...", etc. Instead, I tell him this way, "Renzo, lower down your volume to 1 please as didi is sleeping now, you know your average volume cannot exceed 3 at home, but now you are at the maximum volume of 5!". It's very easy for him to relate to, as he knows the volume from TV can be adjusted, so does his.

In general, after my nearly 2 years of experiment in disciplining Renzo, I've learned from him that when I am happier, he is happier. So, stay cool and always assume positive intent parents! When we see kids as people longing to get along and learn then we have changed the game. Kids pick up bad behavior quick because they are so intuitive, so for every mischievous act from your kids, take it as an opportunity for them to learn, and enjoy as it's just part and parcel of their growing up.