when all other discipline strategies fail...

I've mentioned in my previous post that Renzo has shown some signs of rebellion with frequent temper tantrums since he turned 5.5 years old. By putting down my cell phone and getting more engaged with his daily activities, I've definitely seen improvement and indeed he's doing a lot better these few weeks.

But in general, kids being kids, ya know, no matter how well behaved they are, when it comes to "homework", it's often a battle to fight just to get them sit still and follow instructions, let alone the "taking own initiative to complete homework before play" part. So I do have the same struggle with Renzo just like every other parent though he might appear to be a lot easier to handle.

For example, the only enrichment homework he has is from his piano teacher, once a week on Monday. As for childcare homework, he has it once a week too, on Friday. Did I mention in the past that I'm anti enrichment and anti assessment books outside his daily lessons at his childcare? Yes I strongly believe that his childcare teachers are imparting the necessary knowledge and value in school and as long as he pays attention in class, there's not much to be done at home. As parents we just need to provide him with a conducive environment and cultivate a good learning habit daily at home.

So, that's how lucky Renzo is, plenty of playtime and not much learning activities! Unfortunately even for that 20 minutes per week, I often need to give constant reminders and honestly, why can't he get the concept that once he gets his homework done, it's ALL playtime!!

After trying out all sorts of discipline strategies, I. Give. Up!!!

So here's what I ended up doing...

Yes I drafted out this impromptu house rules on his discipline issues that includes one "clause" on "always finish homework before playing toys or watching TV.". And I made him read aloud all the items there and signed on it while disciplining him one day last week.

He was forced to sign on it because if not, I would have punished him by leaving him at home alone with our helper, to finish his homework, while I bring his brother out to play. That, seriously scared the hell out of him!! And I made sure our "signed agreement" is placed on top of his piano, that's the most prominent spot in the house so when other parents are whipping out their canes, I make him go and re-read what he agreed with me...

As a result, he's showing a bit of improvement. In the past, I need to spend around 30 minutes every Wednesday night to prepare him for his Chinese 听写 test on Thursday. Basically my method is, without any preparation, ask him to write based on what he's learned in school, draw a circle if he doesn't know how to write certain word. And after I mark it, he will write each word for 3 times. Yes you read that right, only 3 times (even his Chinese teacher requests them to write 6 times for correction)!!

Based on my method, 1st time is for him to recognize how those strokes look like and I will explain further on any specific 偏旁or部首 that helps him to learn that word easily. For example "说" comes with 言字旁 as the meaning is to 讲话, note that both words 讲话 also come with 言字旁, and 说话 will need mouth so there's 口 and in our case, I remind him that it's often his mummy ~ me talking to my son ~ him, so there's 儿子的儿 because I am using my "mouth" to "talk" to my "son". Although this concept doesn't apply to all Chinese characters but it definitely helps. 2nd time he writes is to memorize the word, and 3rd time is really to reinforce so he can choose to stop at 2nd time if he's confident that he can get it right eventually. Then usually after he's done with all his corrections, I let him rest for a while before giving him the real mock test. Most of the time he could get it all right and the next day, he usually comes home with full marks and even neater handwriting from his actual test in school.

The whole experience sounds pretty swift and smooth isn't it?! Nope! Seeing a bunch of circles and reminding him to finish his corrections again and again isn't all that fun!

So ever since we had our "signed agreement", here's what happened. On the past Wednesday night, he came home and told me that he has prepared himself for his test next day, during some free time in school, together with his other friends. I know that his teacher encourages them to practice writing if they have time after class. But in the past he often draws instead, or just practice for the sake of practicing and still "throw circles at me" when it's my turn to prepare him at home.

But this time round, he impressed me by writing everything on his own, he made a small mistake which took him no more than 3 minutes to correct and the next day, he came home with full marks just as expected.

At the same time, he's more willing to complete his homework now and if he insists to play before doing homework, I just need to point at that piece of paper...

I gave him a great big praise for his efforts to prepare himself well for his test, and I seriously wish he could remember that very moment while he glowed with pride, and strive to achieve that each time!

put down that smartphone, parents..

When was the last time your kid called out for you, and you gave the response: "Wait, can't you see I am busy (on my phone)??!!"

I am proud to say that although my kids have pretty unlimited screen time on TV, they have absolutely ZERO interaction with smart phones, ipads, computers or internet. Being in the IT industry for more than 10 years, I jolly well understand it's a digital world now and I also think there's nothing wrong for kids to stay connected with the world via social media network. But for my 2 boys at a tender age of 5 and 2, I feel that they tend to be drawn to the quick fix entertainment that smart phones offer, from access to the internet to the many games and apps that are available for download. I don't care if the little girl sitting at the next table in a restaurant, is watching her favorite Frozen on ipad while eating her meal, or the poor little boy waiting to see doctor at clinic is showing off his advanced gaming skills with his newly downloaded ipad apps. It's just not allowed in my family. And if that's the reason why my kids are quite a handful to manage, I happily accept it. 

I am not saying all "screen" times are bad. Daddy Chan being a great gamer has benefited a lot from gaming, so he surely can agree on the fact that with the correct monitoring and control, even a video game without any educational purpose, can be good sometimes. And both of our boys learned a lot from educational DVDs which I've mentioned countless times on their blogs, so I do believe depending on kids, some times digital devices can be of great help.

But, recently I do feel guilty when my answer to the question I asked at the beginning of this post is often, "just a little while ago".. 

And indeed within the last month or two, I started to notice a behavioral change in Renzo. He seems to act up easily, and even his teacher mentioned that he's not focusing very well like before in class.  I talked to him a few times trying to figure out why but to no avail. And some quick self reflection made me believe that I am spending way too much time on my smart phone, refreshing facebook updates and chatting with friends in whatsapp groups. 

"One day, sooner than you realize, you will be with your child, wanting to talk. But she’ll be too busy. Talking to someone who isn’t there. And why not? You weren’t there when she was." What a scary wake up call!

So, it's a brand new year and I shall make some efforts to help everyone in the house spending more time with each other, these are for the parents, not the kids. Yes we the "digital parents" are in need of some better discipline:

- No phones at the table
A rule we implemented in the house recently as we didn't see the need to in the past. Face the fact, we weren't this addicted before facebook, whatspp, mobile games became so popular in recent years. We try to spend time having meals together and once we are at the dining table, no phones allowed. Immediately I notice that Renzo is able to finish his meal faster with less distractions.

- Have a phone free day
I accidentally left my phone at home during our staycation recently. I felt great not losing life memories for live updates (on social media network). The only regret was that I didn't manage to capture those wonderful life memories with my phone camera. That, could be easily solved with a DSLR camera which I've been contemplating to get for a long time. But in any case, staying away from smart phones once in a while, isn't all that bad.

- No phone after a certain time
Yes that's something I am trying to achieve. For us with busy daily work schedule, we are blessed with a great helper who can settle most of our household chores. So everyday, from the time the boys are home till their bedtime at 930pm, minus off the time needed for dinner and shower, there are at least 1 hour of time I could spend with them. So I've decided to cut down my time spent on whatsapp chat groups and stay away from my phone completely from 8pm to 930pm.

I do believe spending quality time with kids gives them a message that they are the most important to us and make them feel loved. On weekends when we have more time together, besides those routine activities like water play at the pool, grocery shopping, picnic at the park with his cousins, Renzo has also been much more involved with other fun stuff at home, such as blending juice, baking bread, making salad, etc. Such bonding activities allow him to contribute to the household, at the same time, be more independent by learning new life skills.

Put down your digital devices parents!! Kids pick up habits and learn values from a lot of sources. Their teachers, friends, siblings, anyone around them. But do you know that 95% of the physical time they spend during their formative years is with...their parents. Experts agree that parents establish the values in a family unit from the moment that baby arrives home from the hospital.  

So if parent is curious about, “What's happening to my family values?” maybe we should be prepared to open a frank conversation with ourselves about how our actions, as parents, are shaping answers to that question. And who knows, maybe the answer is right under your nose all this while - we might be physically around with our kids, but we spend too much time texting than talking, surfing than parenting in this modern society.

For the fact that I don't want my kids and husband to think they are not as interesting as a text messages, or Facebook posts to me, I shall now make my 2015 new year resolution, to put down my phone, sit down and have fun with my kids..