Friday, August 12, 2016

protecting kids from parents' negative emotion..

"Renzo, mummy felt really upset this morning because you didn't even bother to finish your breakfast on time, you know that we are rushing for school bus every morning, how can you take your own sweet time to eat while watching TV?! How did you feel when I didn't chat with you, wait for school bus with you, and wave at you when you got on the bus?!! I will probably feel sad for the whole day but I guess you don't even care..."

This was part of a message I left to Renzo on our daily communication book at home this morning.

Yes that's what I did after sending Renzo downstairs to take his school bus at 645am in the morning. I went back straight to the study room and wrote that message to him, so that he could read it when he's back from school around 2pm. I was feeling weary, crotchety, and sick to my stomach. The notebook was covered in scrawls and squiggles. For a second I paused and thought that pouring my negative emotion onto Renzo in such a way, potentially can ruin his day, but I couldn't care less, because my day was valready ruined by him!!

After taking a few minutes to recompose myself, I went straight with my morning routine - 20 minutes of Korean drama watching, yes I am a huge fan but I don't watch in front of kids, so usually I can squeeze out 20 minutes during breakfast to catch my favorite show. And guess what? 20 minutes later, I wrote another message to Renzo. And this time, I managed to tidy up my handwriting without me noticing that at all.

"Dear Renzo, mummy felt sorry for not chatting with you, not waiting for school bus with you, and not waving at you when you got on the bus. I LOVE YOU!! But please think about what made me feel and act that way? I do hope you can be more considerate and focused in the future, as you know we have to rush for school bus every morning..."

I thought I would be angry for the whole day and I blamed Renzo for that, but the actual fact is, I felt as if the whole world is on my side again after I've done something I enjoy doing. I realized I was so out of my mind 20 minutes ago, not because Renzo might have caused the bus driver to wait for him because he was too slow in finishing his breakfast, and in actual fact, his school bus only arrived about a minute later after we went downstairs, but probably, I was upset because I spent time and efforts to prepare his breakfast and he didn't even finish it, which made me feel less appreciated. But seriously, if he were to read the first message I left for him, how would he react? I might just demonstrated to him that it's alright to vent his anger on others by writing people a note.

We spent so much efforts each day, turning every unpleasant situation in life into learning opportunities for our children, in hopes that they would grow up with emotional intelligence to cope with different challenges in the world. But if we parents, are not careful about letting our emotions escape out for our kids to internalize, they will struggle to learn how to regulate their emotions and interact with others appropriately.

To end the story, Renzo hugged me and muttered "I am sorry Mummy" when I reached home at night after work. And I saw the notebook with his reply to my request on being more considerate and focused during breakfast, he wrote: "Yes I will do that (or at least I will try)",

After all, neither of us had the day ruined by our little episode in the morning.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Look beyond the school results..

If you are expecting to read my opinion about "academic result is not everything" after the recent news about changes to PSLE scoring and Secondary One postings, since Renzo and his peers will be the first batch to experience the change in 2021, let me just say, that's not the message I am trying to convey here.

As I mentioned in my post about our 1st PTM experience, Renzo has been doing well during first half of Primary One. It's week 4 of Term 3 now, we've already received a whole list of test information from the school and indeed, Renzo has already completed a Chinese Pick&Tell assessment last week.

Recently he mentioned to me that Chinese is getting a little tougher, which I fully agree because I think his pre-school has prepared him really well for the first half of Primary One, but now it's time for us parents to step in and guide him through the second half.

Nope I am not going to leave the learning part all to him although Renzo is a very independent learner so far, but what I need from him, is good learning attitude, coupled with effective learning method and habit, so for him to achieve best possible result.

Nope you are not reading this wrong, I know even the government leaders, and the education experts are telling us not to overemphasize on academic result, and it's 100% true that "exam result doesn't determine success in life", we parents should not neglect it is still an indication of their knowledge at one point in time, and poor result even at lower primary level, sends certain message, let me explain why I believe so:

1. It's only Primary School now, it's fine not to score well. 
NO! There needs to be a bottom line.
A friend recently told us that his 3 Primary school kids need to score 70 and above, to "earn" a family vacation overseas. For me, the expectation is 90 and above. Well you can say my expectation is very high. But for lower primary kids, their school curriculum isn't too difficult.  We shouldn't insist on 100 marks for every subject, we can allow them to make mistakes here and there, but anything lower than 90 marks, assuming they have normal IQ and are not suffering from any kind of learning difficulties, should raise the alarm, as that indicates there might be a problem with their learning method or habit.

Careless mistakes, not being able to recognize/read/write words, not paying attention during lessons, not being able to understand full question, etc, are all examples of not having the right learning method or habit. And these, should be corrected at younger age. 

2. As long as you try your best, your score isn't important.
NO! Kids have no concept about "try your best".
Renzo made 2 mistakes for his Maths paper last term. I asked him about how he feels, and I still remember his answer, "Mummy, I might not be the best, but I tried my best!". Trust me, I have no idea why he said so. Probably because he has teachers who encourage kids to try their best during exams. I personally do not believe in "try your best" philosophy for kids at this age. Well yes it's definitely the right way to encourage older kids in Secondary level, or at least upper primary level. But if I encourage Renzo this way, I think very likely he would only remember the "it doesn't matter what your score is" part, and forget about "try your best" part, or even if he could remember, likely he won't know how to quantify that, he probably doesn't even know in order to "try his best", he has to spend time in doing revisions. So how to expect good result?

Do parents really think by the time their kids are in upper primary school, they can score better by "trying their best" automatically, without laying a proper, strong foundation since lower primary days? I think the key is to set clearer, specific and reasonable goals for kids, and guide them in achieving those goals on a more regular basis.

3. Those who score well will become future scholars. 
NO! Scholars can definitely score well, but those who score well now might not be good at learning in the future. 
Even if your kid score 100/100 for all 3 subjects, there might be another 10-20 kids who get the same score in his/her class. Especially for lower primary, the gap isn't too big as the knowledge they are learning now is rather simple and easy to understand. What we should be focusing on, is whether our kids have adopted effective learning method that helps them to absorb the knowledge better, and whether our kids have formed great learning habit that allows them to develop the love and passion for learning.

And this is the very reason why those who did well in primary school might not necessarily get into a good University eventually. It's also why we often see a lot of "late bloomers" who only started to shine at later stage during their academic years. It all boils down to when a kid discovers the learning method that suits him/her the best, and continue the learning habit from there.

I was never once a top student during my school years in terms of academic results. But I've definitely picked up some great learning habits along the way which I still thank my parents for. Till date, I go for job interviews with a set of anticipated questions which I practised countless times. I always have a notebook and pen with me,  to fill up forms, jot down notes or even work on questions (sometimes there might be more complicated technical questions during the interview, where pen and paper come in handy). These, are habits I formed during early school years. It doesn't mean I will definitely score well in exams by doing so, but I definitely benefit a lot from it after entering into working world. Now that I'm on the other side of the table during interviews, I see many candidates who come for interview unprepared, but those who brings along pen and paper, often fits the bill eventually, which again proves your attitude determines your altitude..

Learning is a long term journey for kids, hence I can never agree that just because they are still young, it's only the beginning, we parents do not need to take their results too seriously. Look beyond their results, the process of guiding our kids to set specific and realistic learning goals,  building strong foundation, cultivating right attitude is what we should be working on right from day one.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

why making food cute / fun for kids...

Recently I have a few friends who've been browsing through my facebook photos, asked me the same question, "How do you have the time to make cute breakfast for your son every morning?!". So yes, after Renzo entered Primary School since January 2016, I've been preparing his breakfast every morning and some time around the Lunar New Year period, I challenged myself to make cute "Monkey" breakfast to welcome the year of Monkey. Then I decided to get more adventurous and started to make his breakfast cute and fun. You can view all pictures on my instagram page @breadfastforkids

And here are the reasons why:

1. To give him a wonderful childhood memory
My mother isn't a breakfast person so I remember my dad being the one who wakes up early to prepare breakfast for us since young. My mother-in-law doesn't cook so Daddy Chan's breakfast is usually just 2 pieces of bread with jam. Well don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about anything and our parents are the greatest in our eyes! What I am trying to say is, I want to create this memory for the kids that although mummy needs to work and cannot be at home with them, I still try my best to cook for them whenever I can, after all, happiness is home made when comes to food, at least that's how I feel. Now when I ask Renzo about what makes him love mummy, one of the things he would definitely mention, is that Mummy makes yummy food, especially cute breakfast for him!










2. To allow that extra 10-20 minutes of sleep
Nope of course I am not referring to myself, I need to wake up 30 minutes earlier every morning just to prepare Renzo's breakfast. But that allows Renzo to sleep in for an extra 10-20 minutes at least. His school bus comes at 645am and I usually wake him up by 620am, so he has maximum 15 minutes to finish his breakfast. Parents I know of mostly complain about how hard it is to get their kids ready during their morning routine. And Renzo being a rather slow boy in doing everything, will probably take 30 minutes to finish his breakfast, if I do not serve him something that can perk him up instantaneously.  By giving him a "wake up surprise", usually he gets excited and more awake to bolt down his food very quickly.

3. To make up for not being able to make lunch bento
I started off by packing his lunchbox for recess, but after a week, he told me he prefers to buy food at the canteen, which is definitely a great news because everyone knows that packing food is really not easy. Especially if I want something better looking, all the cute stuff I put inside his lunchbox usually cannot survive till recess. So I told myself to make those cute stuff for breakfast instead, which is indeed a lot easier as I do not need to worry about him getting an "angry bird pizza" without eyes, or a "Olaf" egg that looks like "Baymax" in a frozen themed bento.

4. To get him appreciate life more
Yes this is like a bonus point which I didn't expect initially. Our morning chat during breakfast gets more and more interesting nowadays when Renzo started guessing about what ingredients are being used for making the character. And once in a while he would make little twists here and there.
He once turned a plain pancake into a "cookie".
He once turned a Donald duck into a "rooster".
He enjoyed making burger for himself and Daddy.
He borrowed a cooking book from library to try out different recipes.
"自己的生活如此苟且,孩子怎么会有诗和远方的田野. 一个没有幸福感的母亲,怎么会培养出有幸福感的孩子。漫漫人生路,若是没有一颗快乐心,那孩子的未来会成个什么样!一个阳光快乐的妈妈,就是一座鸟语花香的天堂。谁也没有资格,在孩子心里种下灰色的种子"
I believe providing him with nice food is a way to demonstrate my attitude towards life in front of him.  So that he understands with a little bit more efforts, we can turn simple bread and butter into something beautiful and lively. Although it's tiring, we can do it as long as we are willing to. That's the way to cultivate resilience and perseverance in children. I do wish he could get influenced by my positive vibes and apply that to his daily life too, so he will always strive to perfect his work and life.

And, just a few tips to share with those mummies who might be interested to try:
1. If you want to make something elaborate and intricate like these:
You need at least 30 - 60 minutes, nope I am not kidding but cutting Nori (seaweed) can get harder than expected if you want certain kind of result that even stencils can't help to achieve (eg, Elsa's eyebrow). So I would say it's not worth the efforts especially if you are new in making cute bentos. By the time you are done, food are usually cold.

2. Nicer looking food = more healthy. Sad yes but that's just the truth. I already avoided processed meat like sausage and ham, even Nutella is banned although it's one of the best ingredient for making easy and quick bento, and kids would sure love it but nope, after reading about how unhealthy it is, I stopped buying it completely.

I made these toast arts for one week, and some of them, like the Captain Jake and Ice Cream cone, were made with food coloring. Seeing the colors being added into food, is quite... gross.. I totally do not want to make them once again, unless I am willing to source for natural food dye options using fruits and vegetables.
3. The easiest ingredient to work with in my humble opinion, are white bread, breakfast buns, seaweed, hard boiled eggs and fruits. Quick ones take about 10 minutes so it's not hard to make, the hardest part is to think about what to make, often I tell myself to repeat my menu especially when my creativity as running thin at time. So when I started with Disney Tsim Tsim theme, it kept me inspired for a good 3 weeks easily.



Will I continue when school re-opens in another week time? Of course, why not?!
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